Grieving
the Loss of a Pet
by Julie Axelrod
Courtesy of T. J. Dunn,
Jr. DVM and www.ThePetCenter.com
When a parent, spouse, child
or someone close to us dies, our loss is usually met with sympathy,
comfort, and offerings of sincere condolence. We are allowed to
grieve. We are allowed to cry. We are allowed to experience our
emotions.
But talk to the millions of
pet owners who have had a dog hit by a car or a terminally ill cat
euthanized and you will hear quite a different story. Many will
tell you that most people did not understand the depth of their
grief. Some even experienced the gross insensitivity of a comment
like, "Why don't you just get another pet?"
Mourning a pet may not only
be painful due to the loss itself, but deeper as well due to the
potential loneliness of this type of grieving.
Why Are the
Feelings So Painful?
When we are grieving the loss
of a beloved pet, we are actually mourning several losses at the
same time. These include:
The loss of unconditional
love: Our pets provide us with emotional responses that
are uninhibited by concern for how their expression appears to others.
Many of our human relationships aren't that simple; they can be
riddled with anxiety about rejection and other fears that often
dictate how we behave and what we share. Our pets do not judge insecurity
or imperfection. They are all-accepting in ways few humans can achieve.
The loss of a protégé: Having a pet is much like being a parent. We are responsible for
another life and often go to great lengths to ensure our pet's physical
and emotional comfort. Numerous activities revolve around our animal
companion's needs. We hire pet walkers and sitters to provide our
furry friend with company or exercise. We go to dog parks to enhance
our pooch's life with social activity. All are efforts to provide
our charge with the best caretaking possible. Consequently, the
loss of a pet can feel like the loss of a child.
The loss of a "life
witness": Not only do our animals provide us with
their uninhibited emotional expression, but they also allow us to
express parts of ourselves that we may never let other humans see.
They observe our weaknesses, our victories, and move through years
of our lives with us. During periods of upheaval, they often provide
us with security, stability and comfort.
The loss of multiple
relationships and routines: Each role that the pet occupied
(e.g., friend, child, significant other) as well as each role that
we as owners took on is a loss. We must say good by e to feeding
time, walking routes, and all the aspects that made up our practical
routines. We must not only say good by e to the physical activities,
but to the reflexive way we called to our companion when we wanted
comfort and love. These good by es all contribute to the time and
patience needed to grieve the loss of a pet.
The loss of a primary
companion: For some of us, our pet was our only social
companion in the world. We may not have had any other close contacts,
due perhaps to depression, anxiety, or a debilitating physical illness.
We relied exclusively on our pet for support and love.
What Might
Make My Grief More Complicated?
As if the range of losses just
listed was not enough, grief may be complicated by any number of
additional factors, including:
Guilt: This
is the primary stumbling block to a healthy grieving process. Did
I do enough? Or "If only I…" Whether the pet died
after a short or long struggle, many of us wonder if there were
routes not explored, medications not taken, surgeries not performed.
If we were unsure about whether all options were exhausted, then
residual guilt may hinder moving through grief effectively.
Euthanasia: Many
of us are called upon to make the excruciating decision to end the
life of a beloved pet. We spend our lives ensuring the health of
our companion, and while euthanasia may end our pet’s suffering,
it contradicts every instinct we have. Grief is further complicated
if we are plagued by doubt – was it really the right time?
Was he really getting worse? Questions like these may never be answered.
Furthermore, we are left with the image of our pet as he or she
died, which can be overwhelming.
Circumstances surrounding
the loss: If our pet died in a way we perceive could have
been avoided, the duration and severity of guilt can be intensified.
"I should have closed the screen door tighter so he couldn't
run into the street" or "I wish I had noticed her symptoms
sooner, because she'd be alive today if I had." Such comments
only serve to punish us even further.
Expectations that mourning
will end at a particular time: One of the ways grief gets
derailed is when we or those we turn to for support impose a timeline.
"I should be better by now," or "Why is she still
so sad?" Not having the necessary time to mourn, which varies
for each of us, creates emotional pressure to "get better quickly."
This ultimately results in the opposite of what we're seeking -
the process and all the feelings take longer to subside.
Reawakening of an old
loss: A companion animal's death may remind the owner of
a previous loss, animal or human. An unresolved loss complicates
the current mourning process. It is then important to not only mourn
the lost pet, but to take this opportunity to achieve closure on
earlier losses.
Resistance to mourning: This complication often arises out of our existing style
of coping. Some of us may suppress feelings so that we don't appear
weak. We may fear that the tears may never stop if we allow them
to begin. Whatever we use to defend against our true emotional experience
will complicate our natural progression of grief.
Many of these complications
have important functions. Staying conflicted about the
death of our pets often binds us to our deceased companion, keeping
us closer to the time when he or she was alive. Letting go of grief
can also be mistakenly interpreted as a betrayal, that trying to
feel better is equated with trying to forget. That is not the goal
of grieving. We'll always love our pet. Healthy grieving is getting
"through," not over, a loss.
What Can I
Do?
There are several things you
can do to aid in the mourning of your loss:
Be patient and kind with yourself!
This is the first key to effectively dealing with your grief. Our
losses are real, painful, and evoke a variety of feelings and memories.
Any time you find yourself wishing you were better, wanting to be
"past" it, remind yourself that your emotional processing
has no set endpoint. You're in mourning and, by pressuring yourself,
you only make yourself feel worse.
Find an ally: Find
at least one safe person you can talk to about your loss. If you
can't identify someone who is safe, call your veterinarian and ask
for the name of another pet owner who recently experienced a loss,
or look into joining a support group specifically for pet loss.
Also, check out these Web sites: the Association for Pet Loss and
Bereavement; and the Pet Loss Grief Support Web site, which has
chat rooms and online memorial services.
Conduct an overview
of your pet's life: You can do this by writing down your
thoughts and feelings or by sharing your pet's story with your ally.
When did you get your pet? What are some special memories? What
were his or her personality features? What will you miss the most?
This overview helps solidify the things you want to make sure not
to forget.
Engage in rituals: Humans have prescribed ways to mourn. We have funerals, ceremonies,
and anniversaries of the beloved's death acknowledged. These rites
are designed to help us grieve and to remember our loved ones. Create
your own rituals for your pet! Have a ceremony in the dog park.
Hold a service at home or in a place special to you and your pet.
Dispose of possessions
gradually: Often, we encounter the food bowl, bed, or blankets
and are unsure of what to do with them. The first step can be to
move them to a different location from where they usually were.
For instance, take the bed out of your bedroom. This helps the transition,
and lets you move the items before you remove them. When you are
ready, put your pet's tag on your keychain. Seal his or her belongings
in a trunk. Donate the bed to an animal organization.
Memorialize your pet: Do a tree planting or sow a garden. These can be living tributes
that will continue as reminders for years to come.
This is a sorrowful time. While
we may be compelled to find strategies to move us through this period,
there will be occasions when we won't have answers to our painful
questions or activities to quell our longings.
What would your pet do if he
or she found you sad and in pain? The answer is clear: give you
love, give you comfort, and stay with you as long as it took. We
can all take a lesson from our animal friends. |
